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.Vivian didn t seem like that type ofwoman to him.Gravel crunched under his feet as he quickly walked in circles under the wide canopy ofevergreens surrounding the yard, trying to work through his thoughts.It s time to come clean, he thought.Do you want Vivian? Do you like Vivian? Are you preparedfor the complications of going back in there and following through on whatever almost happenedbetween you two? Are you prepared for a relationship again, if it leads to that? Hawk ground hishands into fists, determined not to run from the questions.Do you want Vivian? He thought back to the feel of her lips on his and knew he wanted her.Morethan that.He desired her.He desired her with ever cell in his body.Did he like her? That was a little more difficult.It wasn t just a matter of feeling what his bodywanted.It required a level of openness with himself that he hadn t had for years.Since Gianna had -done what she did.Just the thought of that hurt him.And not because of Gianna, not anymore.But therest of it.Even after 11 years, it still hurt him badly to think about it.But thinking of it was just adistraction wasn t it? Because Gianna had nothing to do with Vivian.He had felt like his life hadended the day the private investigator had come back with the news of her incredible dishonesty, butit hadn t.Here he was, more than a decade later, still alive.And for the first time in that long, he wascontemplating what a woman meant to him.So contemplate it, he growled inside his head.Yes, hedid like Vivian.A lot.In fact, he couldn t think of anything that he didn t like about her right now.Was he prepared for the complications of just sex if that s all it turned out to be? No.Hewasn t.Not with her.10 years ago he would have said hell yeah, why not, but he d learned a thing ortwo in the last decade.For one, he d learned just sex was almost never worth it with people in yoursocial circle.No matter how much he wanted her.At least that s what he told himself, out here, in thecool night air, with no warm, soft Vivian within his reach.Was he prepared for a relationship again? Nothing came to his mind.He asked the questionagain, expecting protest.Am I prepared to be in a relationship, with a woman? But the protest didn tmaterialize.He didn t feel fear.His mind wasn t rebelling.In fact, did he feel a faint sense ofexcitement? A sense of being alive?Hawk shook his head.Man he was difficult sometimes.He glanced back towards the cabin,wondering if Vivian was packing again.He d better get in there quickly.He screwed up his courage.Now for the harder part.He strode quickly toward the house, scanning the room once he got inside.Vivian was sitting on the couch with her tablet.She didn t look up when he came in.He walked to the table and sat down, slightly out of her view.This might be easier if she wasn tlooking at him.He studied her.The curve of her neck.The way her hair cascaded over her shoulder.He felt his wilting erection jerk slightly again, but told it to calm down. Vivian, please accept my apology again.I.Your.Our kiss sparked some old feelings in methat I had to work out before we went any farther. Oh, and did you? Her voice was cool, her eyes still on her tablet. I did.I think.I tried anyway.It s not so easy when you ve been avoiding your feelings for over adecade like I have. She looked at him now, concern in her eyes, but didn t say anything. I think you deserve to know why I ve been such an ass to you in the past, and why I pulled awayfrom you today. She nodded slightly.He sighed. Do you mind if I get a beer out of the fridge? This might take a while. She didn t say anything.He took that as a yes and grabbed himself a beer, bringing her one too, incase.If she didn t want it, he d get to it soon enough.She took it though.He took a long swallow ofhis and jumped in with both feet. Did you know I haven t been in a relationship for 11 years? He steeled himself for her to say I m not looking for a relationship, I just want to fuck, orsomething like that.He had no idea if she would say something like that, ever, but if she did, it wasall over for him.The thought of those words coming out of her refined mouth made him crazy.Hewouldn t be able to help himself, consequences be damned.From some women those words wouldbe a turn-off.A sure sign that they jumped into bed with every dog that sniffed round their door.From someone like Vivian though, words like that would mean something special was about tohappen.Something a man just didn t turn down because it might complicate things.She didn t say it though, she only blinked and stared at him with those big, gorgeous eyes. 11 years is a long time, She finally said, spurring him to go on. Yeah. Hawk took another long swallow and rubbed his face.He needed a shave. There was a woman, he started. She hurt me pretty badly, he managed to say before his throatsqueezed shut.He looked up at her, looking for help to go on. Do I remind you of her? Vivian asked softly, encouragingly.He smiled a small smile, relieved. You did.You look a bit like her, your hair, your body type.There s something in the way you carry yourself that s a bit like her.But the more I get to know you,the more I realize you aren t anything like her. He had to stop again.He took a few swallows ofbeer, trying to loosen his throat muscles.Vivian smiled back. Tell me about her.Tell me what she did that hurt you so badly. Hawk tried.He opened his mouth.Nothing came out.He d never told anyone this.He d nevertalked about it after he left home for good in 2003.His parents knew the full story, he thought, but notbecause he d told them.His heart hurt.Hurt so bad he thought he was having some sort of an attack.The thought of telling Vivian terrified him.But the thought of not telling her terrified him more.Hesuddenly became afraid that if he didn t get this out now, he d live like he d been living for the last11 years for the rest of his life.Half-dead.Scared to love.Unable to move on. She left me, he said quietly, startling himself.He took a deep breath and pushed forward. Butthat wasn t the worst of it. Now that he had started, the words tumbled out like he couldn t tell it fast enough.He told aboutknowing Gianna all through high school but not really liking her or getting to know her then.When hecame home from the Army they met one night at a mutual friends house and started dating.He likedher a lot.They dated for almost a year and there were occasional talks about marriage but they bothfelt they were too young for marriage.They were both in school, Hawk trying to finish his degree sohe could become an FBI agent, and Gianna was studying History.She didn t have any specific goal inmind.She had a trust fund that she had gained access to the year before so she was just taking it easy.They were close
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