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.So I toldhim about meeting Rodney and almost getting into the gang.And my counselor stands up and says wait, that s not how you got here.Tell him about what happened to your dad and then when yourmom left.So I have to explain to this stuffy guy I don t even know everything that s happened to me since Iwas 6 years old, in the hopes that he will take pity on me and not throw me in jail.In real jail.I wasonly 16, about to turn 17, but you know America s justice system.We like to charge anybody andeverybody as an adult, even 12 year olds, if the crime is bad enough.The judge listens to my story and never says a peep till the end.Then he says Son, do you knowwhat happened to that boy you assaulted? and I say no and the judge says he s dead.And I about fall over on my fucking head.I m not kidding.My legs just wouldn t hold meanymore.I kind of crumpled to the ground.I was screaming dead dead dead dead dead over andover again inside my head.I felt like I was going to rupture my brain or something.I d killedsomebody.You couldn t take that back.You couldn t atone for that.No matter what, he d always bedead.But then the judge keeps talking.He says he spent 2 weeks in the hospital recovering from the hiton the head you gave him, and then he went straight to jail, because he had a warrant.While he wasthere, he attempted to escape and he was shot by the guards. I didn t know it at the time, but the boywas 19, had been a gang member since 12, and his warrant was for rape.Not that I think that justifiesanything, but it was something the counselor made sure to tell me after my sentencing. Like turning off a faucet, my mind shuts up and stops screaming at me.I hadn t killed him after all.All of a sudden I didn t understand why the judge was even telling me this.I felt almost relieved ofmost of my guilt, because one minute I m thinking I killed him, and the next I find out I didn t, not atall.So I m on my knees, and I push to my feet.I m waiting for the judge to say something else, and Ihear my dad s voice behind me.He hadn t said much at all since my mom left.In two years, I thinkI d heard him say maybe 50 words.His voice sounded shaky and weak, like he was 80 years old, but it was my dad, I wouldrecognize the voice anywhere. Judge he says, he s a good boy.He takes good care of me.It ain tfair that he s gotta. I m still staring at the judge, but now I can feel tears spilling out of my eyes.Mydad hasn t even acted like he recognized me for over a year.And here he is trying to testify on mybehalf in court.It was the last time I ever heard him speak. Jerry stopped talking and held his almost-empty beer bottle to his forehead.His cheeks burned.He wasn t sure if it was shame or sadness or something else, but he wasn t sure if it mattered either.He was almost done though.He looked forward to repacking this little piece of history back into thevault in the very back of his mind and throwing away the key for good. I look up at the judge and I know he s made a decision.I can see it on his face.I was preparedfor a year in juvenile detention at a minimum, and terrified that I d actually end up with 5 years in areal prison.So you can imagine my surprise when the judge announces I m getting 5 years ofprobation and that s it.But, in order to give me the 5 years, it means I was sentenced as an adult.Andhe says that if I ever step even one toe out of line, he ll make sure that the next time I get slammedwith the maximum penalty the law will allow.I remember dropping my eyes and almost drowning in the feeling of relief.It was huge! Likenothing I d ever experienced.I felt light as a feather.Like everything from then on was going to beOK, no matter what.Of course it didn t work out like that - it never does.But my counselor hadmanaged to track down my Dad s sister and we both went to live with her.I d never met her becauseher and my dad had a big falling out when they were in their early 20s.It had something to do withwhen my grandparents died without a will and my Aunt Betty went through the house and tookeverything that was worth any money and sold it.Well, I don t know if Aunt Betty was trying to makeup for that or what, but she was always good to me and my dad.She took over taking care of him andshe helped me get my GED and then when I said I wanted to go to Paramedic school she looked uphow to get me in and helped me apply for state grants to pay for it.I got approved easy since my dadwas disabled. Jerry stopped talking.His eyes suddenly felt like lead weights.If he didn t fall into bed soon, hewas going to sleep right here in the chair.He winked heavily at Emma, so she knew he was OK. And that s it really.I was arrested at 16 for assault and charged as an adult. Emma got up and came around the coffee table, sitting directly next to Jerry.She wrapped herarms around him and buried her head in his shoulder.Jerry knew she was probably crying for him.Shedding tears he wouldn t.He put his right arm around her and held her, feeling a strange mixture oflightness and heaviness.He looked at Craig and raised his eyebrows.Craig shifted positions. I don t think it will matter, he finally said. It was what, 15 years ago?And you didn t ever get mixed back up in a gang.You made a mistake, you paid your dues, and nowthis is something totally different.And from what it sounds like, you didn t even harass DetectiveGagne - you just annoyed him.I m betting the right judge will throw it out completely. Jerry nodded thoughtfully.He felt some relief at this. Emma picked her head up and looked at him.Her red-rimmed eyes told him he was right about thecrying. Jerry, does Sara look like your mom? Jerry reacted as if she d poked two fingers at his eyes. What? You know me, I like to play analyst, and I just find it really strange that you ve fallen socompletely for this Sara, when you ve never seemed to care if most women stayed or went.If theywere around, great.If they weren t, that was fine too. Jerry s face tightened.He pulled his hand back from Emma and rubbed his neck with it.Imagesflashed in his mind.Dark hair, dark eyes.A smirk.A laugh. No.She doesn t. Emma frowned and shuffled her feet on the carpet. Does she remind you- Jerry raised a hand and cut her off. No.No, and no.She doesn t look like my mom, she doesn tact like my mom and I am not having some crazy mommy issues. Emma flinched and pulled back.Jerry sighed and pulled her into an embrace. Look Em, I msorry, I m just tired. OK, Emma whispered into his shirt. You get some sleep. I will.I m going in two seconds.But you guys have to promise me you ll go on yourhoneymoon. Emma nodded eagerly, and her phone rang.She looked at it. Vivian. She answered it and slidinto the kitchen.Jerry watched her go and then addressed Craig
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