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.His eyes were still closed. It s like some mad dream.All these years, nothing, and now with you, ofall people. He rubbed harder. I am living an opera. Wes, with no notion at all how to respond to this, kept up a gentle strokingagainst Vallant s arm and waited for him to speak again. Long ago, yes.Very long ago, someone hurt me. Vallant laughedmirthlessly. Heaven help me, but I m so unhinged I want to tell you the wholesordid tale. Wes remained quiet, his thumb moving back and forth against the silk in aregular rhythm.Vallant stayed silent as well, but he opened his eyes, fixing adull gaze across the room.Eventually he spoke. My mother was a courtesan.When I lived with her as a child, I never trulyunderstood what it meant.I knew men came and went, that for years it would bethe same man, and when we changed houses it would be another.This was all.Iunderstood we were risqué, somehow, for people whispered when we walkedby, but Mama held her head high, so I did too. His grip on his gown relaxedslightly. I went to school.Not an excellent school, but not a terrible one, either.Iwww.samhainpublishing.com 83 Heidi Cullinandid well enough.I had the usual dreams of being a lawyer or a scholar,sometimes even an ambassador.But then I turned twelve, and I came home forthe end of term. His eyes went hard, his jaw set tight, but when he spoke, it was the little boyagain, even through the cold delivery. Mama was not there, just a man. Hestopped for several seconds, his countenance growing harder and harder, histhroat working with difficulty several times before he said, with perfect coolnessand ease, My mother had sold me to him. Now it was Wes s turn to jolt, a soft gasp of horror escaping.Vallant smiled a wry smile and glanced at Wes. Do you know, Rodger stilluses the story sometimes to weed out customers? Without revealing it was me, ofcourse.Anyone who isn t horrified is shown the door and never allowed backagain.Isn t it interesting that neither of us thought to tell it to you beforetonight? He regarded Wes. It s your eyes, I think.They promise somethingkind.Heaven help the world should you ever turn dark.You would send Satanhimself scrambling. Wes s hand had stilled on Vallant s arm.Vallant reached over, touchedWes s fingers lightly, and moved them back and forth a few times against hisown skin.When Wes renewed his rhythmic caress, Vallant pulled his hand awayand began to speak again, gazing into nothingness once more. He bought me for the entire break between terms.He stayed in the housewith me except for a few times when he had to leave, and then I was shackled tothe bed until his return.All the usual servants were gone and new brought in,but let me assure you, it was a special kind of hell to endure that in my ownhome, in my own mother s bloody bedroom.He had me every way he liked untila few days before term was due to start again, and then he left.The night he didso is something of a blur in my memory.84 www.samhainpublishing.com A Private Gentleman I remember him leaving.I remember my mother appearing at the bottom ofthe stairs from wherever she had hid herself, wiping at her eyes constantly,speaking with false cheerfulness, trying to pretend it hadn t happened.She spokeof how excited she was for me to go back to school, how the headmaster hadreported me such a model student, how grand things were ahead of me, surely.She produced a treasure trove of gifts, every book and trinket I had ever askedfor but never received.She produced a grand new trousseau for the next term.She promised a holiday soon, to wherever I wanted to go.I kept silent through itall, shocked at first, and then hurt, and then furious, and the longer I saidnothing, the more extravagant her promises became.At last she broke down andwept hysterically. She rationalized it several different ways.She was out of money.She wastoo old, and no one wanted her.She had panicked.She was weak.She wasterribly sorry, and she knew it was wrong, but couldn t I see there was no otherway to keep up the lives we had become so fond of living? Didn t I want to go touniversity? Didn t I want grand things? What, had I thought such would comefor free? Wasn t it time I provided for us, for a change? She wheedled, promisingI could have it all, any and everything so long as, every now and again, I spentsome time with the man.And of course unspoken but understood was the truththat after this man, there would be another.And another.And another. Wes hissed out a breath, and his hand tangled in the blue silk.His stomachturned and he saw nothing but red.He didn t realize how tightly he grippedVallant until he felt fingers brush his own.He relaxed his grip, but to hissurprise, Vallant did not release him.In fact, he captured Wes s hand, drew it tohis lips as he turned his head, and kissed his knuckles before returning Wes shand back to his sleeve.www.samhainpublishing.com 85 Heidi Cullinan Well, Vallant said, as if this were some light gossip he repeated, I left thatnight.In the true form of the fool I was, I tied my most precious belongings into abedsheet, slung them over my back and darted out into the night. His laughrumbled through his body, and he shook his head. Good God, but by rights Ishould have learned the many horrible ways men on the streets could be worsethan He stopped, bit his lip and sighed. Suffice it to say, I was fortunatebeyond anything I deserved.The first person I ran into literally was Rodger,who at the time was but sixteen, though he already ran an impressive ring ofprostitutes.Mistaking me for a lordling, he proposed to ransom me to my family,only to withdraw in shock as I went into hysterics, threatening to tear out hiseyeballs if he so much as dared to think of sending me home again.My tale cameout shortly thereafter, and my life as it is fell in to place.Rodger took me underhis wing, and then he took me into his bed.With my permission, mind you.Though we both tired of that quickly enough. He stopped and blushed. I don tknow why I just told you that. His hand reached up to stroke his own hair, and his gaze across the roomturned strangely pensive. I enjoyed sex even then.Despite what she may haveintended, my mother did not sell anyone my virginity, nor the concept of sexwith my own gender.And as I watched Rodger s girls and boys work theircorners, as I saw their power and even their pleasure, I thought of what mymother had said, of all she had promised, if I would only sleep with the man.And I thought, well, why not? Now that I had been relieved of my fantasies,there was really nothing else for me to do but whore. But with Rodger it would be on my own terms.There seemed a sort ofjustice to it she had ruined me, but I could remake myself, even thumbing mynose at it all by taking what they had made me and doing them one better.So Idid, and I did it well.I was pretty then, acutely so, and so I was popular.And I86 www.samhainpublishing.com A Private Gentlemanwasn t stupid.The Dove Street house was my plan, built on the ashes of mymother s schemes.Sex on our terms, for our rates.And for many years now, thathas been the whole of it.I have enjoyed many fine things and as much pleasureas I care to reach for, protected and monitored by Rodger. His eyes closed on a sigh. Except now, for no reason I can explain, pleasurehas turned to panic
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