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.Chinchilla danced at Ben s feet as he sank into the couch.She yapped for his attention, peeing inexcitement, but Ben was too deflated to respond.Tim grabbed the paper towels he always had nearbyand cleaned up, glancing up at Ben.God, it was good to see him again! Even if he did look miserable. You didn t leave a note on Jace s door, did you? Ben asked. Or have someone else do it? No. Tim sat up, as if concerned. Why? What happened? And it all played out, just like in his fantasies.Well, almost.Ben didn t throw himself into Tim sarms, but as he talked, his anger was directed only at Jace.Tim grabbed a couple of beers to help theprocess along as Ben became more and more agitated.And then it all went terribly wrong. You know, if he was going to cheat on me, Ben said, I wish he just would have asked.I wouldhave let him, if he wanted to.I don t care.I mean, it would have hurt, but it s better than him lying tome.That s the worst part, because it makes me wonder what else he s lied about.Not about cheating,but Ben s voice cracked. What if he lied about loving me? Why else would he sleep around? There were tears.Only a couple, but like the ghost of Christmas past, they brought Tim right back tothe night when he watched Ben crying in his backyard.That moment had been the lowest in Tim s life,and now he had done it all over again.Ben was hurt, and it was all his fault. I m going to throw some pizzas in the oven, he mumbled, getting to his feet and feeling unsteady ashe left the room.He couldn t stand to see Ben like this, didn t want to face it.Once in the kitchen, he tried to compose himself.The damage was done.Ben would be hurt eitherway, whether he believed the lie or knew the truth.His anger might focus back on Tim, but the hurtwould remain.Swallowing the bitter taste of guilt, Tim decided to press forward.He brought another couple of beers with him to the living room, needing a drink as much as Ben did.Even the alcohol didn t allow Tim to enjoy his victory.Night came and Ben was too drunk to drivehome, so Tim invited him to stay over.When Ben stumbled into his arms, making a clumsy pass athim, Tim felt repulsed by what he had done and guided Ben to one of the guest rooms.Then he wentto his own room, helping Chinchilla into bed before crawling in himself.Lying on his back, he staredat the ceiling, prepared for another sleepless night.* * * * *I can make him happy.These simple words carried Tim through the next three days.Ben was busy with finals, and Tim hadlittle time himself, but he would have given up graduating if Ben wanted to be with him.He calledBen whenever he could and talked him into a quick lunch once.The subject of Jace never came up,Tim too scared to broach it.He prayed that all of this hadn t been for naught, but ultimately decided tostop agonizing over hurting Ben and to focus on his conviction.He could make Ben happy.Much more than Jace ever had.If he had made Ben happy in their teens,when Tim s efforts had been half-assed and incompetent, then surely now would be so much better. Saturday was hellishly hot, and while Ben had told him on the phone that he d be busy working on histhesis, Tim called anyway and invited him over for a swim.The second Ben said yes, Tim sprang intoaction, fishing leaves out of the pool, whipping up a pitcher of Kool-Aid, and checking hisappearance in the mirror.He already wore suggestively tight swim trunks not that Ben didn t knowwhat he was packing and he fussed over his hair, trying to decide if he should gel it into messyspikes or leave it natural since they would be swimming.He still hadn t decided when he heard Benopen the front door. Chinchilla, come! Tim ran for the back patio, picking up the serving tray with the Kool-Aid andbalancing it like a waiter.He had hoped Chinchilla would stand obediently at his side, but instead sheattacked the stack of towels and was dragging one away.Then Ben came through the sliding glass door, wearing a navy blue pair of swim trunks, a light bluetank top, and flip flops.He was dressed like a beach bum but still had finals gloom hanging over him.They would soon fix that. Monsieur
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