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.But Clary remembered her own despair when she’d held Simon as he’d died on the steps of the Institute.There were some feelings you never forgot.“But he gave Luke a knife,” Clary said in a small voice.“He told him to kill himself.He made Amatis’s husband divorce her, just because her brother had become a werewolf.”“I didn’t know,” Jocelyn said.“After Luke died, it was like I fell into a black pit.I spent months in my bedroom, sleeping all the time, eating only because of the baby.Mundanes would call what I had depression, but Shadowhunters don’t have those kinds of terms.Valentine believed I was having a difficult pregnancy.He told everyone I was ill.I was ill—I couldn’t sleep.I kept thinking I heard strange noises, cries in the night.Valentine gave me sleeping drafts, but those just gave me nightmares.Terrible dreams that Valentine was holding me down, was forcing a knife into me, or that I was choking on poison.In the morning I’d be exhausted, and I’d sleep all day.I had no idea what was going on outside, no idea that he’d forced Stephen to divorce Amatis and marry Céline.I was in a daze.And then…” Jocelyn knotted her hands together in her lap.They were shaking.“And then I had the baby.”She fell silent, for so long that Clary wondered if she was going to speak again.Jocelyn was staring sightlessly toward the demon towers, her fingers beating a nervous tattoo against her knees.At last she said, “My mother was with me when the baby was born.You never knew her.Your grandmother.She was such a kind woman.You would have liked her, I think.She handed me my son, and at first I knew only that he fit perfectly into my arms, that the blanket wrapping him was soft, and that he was so small and delicate, with just a wisp of fair hair on the top of his head.And then he opened his eyes.” Jocelyn’s voice was flat, almost toneless, yet Clary found herself shivering, dreading what her mother might say next.Don’t, she wanted to say.Don’t tell me.But Jocelyn went on, the words pouring out of her like cold poison.“Horror washed over me.It was like being bathed in acid—my skin seemed to burn off my bones, and it was all I could do not to drop the baby and begin screaming.They say every mother knows her own child instinctively.I suppose the opposite is true as well.Every nerve in my body was crying out that this was not my baby, that it was something horrible and unnatural, as inhuman as a parasite.How could my mother not see it? But she was smiling at me as if nothing were wrong.“‘His name is Jonathan,’ said a voice from the doorway.I looked up and saw Valentine regarding the scene before him with a look of pleasure.The baby opened his eyes again, as if recognizing the sound of his name.His eyes were black, black as night, fathomless as tunnels dug into his skull.There was nothing human in them at all.” There was a long silence.Clary sat frozen, staring at her mother in openmouthed horror.That’s Jace she’s talking about, she thought.Jace when he was a baby.How could you feel like that about a baby?“Mom,” she whispered.“Maybe—maybe you were in shock or something.Or maybe you were sick—”Create PDF files without this message by purchasing novaPDF printer (http://www.novapdf.com)“That’s what Valentine told me,” Jocelyn said emotionlessly.“That I was sick.Valentine adored Jonathan.He couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.And I knew he was right.I was a monster, a mother who couldn’t stand her own child.I thought about killing myself.I might have done it too—and then I got a message, delivered by fire-letter, from Ragnor Fell.He was a warlock who had always been close to my family; he was the one we called on when we needed a healing spell, that sort of thing.He’d found out that Luke had become the leader of a pack of werewolves in the Brocelind Forest, by the eastern border.I burned the note once I got it.I knew Valentine could never know.But it wasn’t until I went to the werewolf encampment and saw Luke that I knew for certain that Valentine had lied to me, lied to me about Luke’s suicide.It was then that I started to truly hate him.”“But Luke said you knew there was something wrong with Valentine—that you knew he was doing something terrible.He said you knew it even before he was Changed.” For a moment Jocelyn didn’t reply.“You know, Luke should never have been bitten.It shouldn’t have happened.It was a routine patrol of the woods, he was out with Valentine—it shouldn’t have happened.”“Mom…”“Luke says I told him I was afraid of Valentine even before he was Changed.He says I told him I could hear screams through the walls of the manor, that I suspected something, dreaded something.And Luke—trusting Luke—asked Valentine about it the very next day.That night Valentine took Luke hunting, and he was bitten.I think—I think Valentine made me forget what I’d seen, whatever had made me afraid.He made me believe it was all bad dreams.And I think he made sure Luke got bitten that night.I think he wanted Luke out of the way so no one could remind me that I was afraid of my husband.But I didn’t realize that, not right away.Luke and I saw each other so briefly that first day, and I wanted so badly to tell him about Jonathan, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t.Jonathan was my son.Still, seeing Luke, even just seeing him, made me stronger.I went home telling myself that I would make a new effort with Jonathan, would learn to love him.Would make myself love him.“That night I was woken by the sound of a baby crying.I sat bolt upright, alone in the bedroom.Valentine was out at a Circle meeting, so I had no one to share my amazement with
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